I Do What I Want
It’s about time that I stop acting like a scared little sprite. Seriously, Why am I so worried about what the rest of the world thinks? Ok, so I get it – We are a social species and yadda yadda, we have to care just a little about how others think. But good grief, I’m driving myself nuts trying to maintain approval from everyone whose anyone.
I have no problem telling my husband all the time that “I do what I WANT!” And yet I can’t do the same in the face of anonymous intimidating strangers? If you knew my husband, you would wonder what my problem is. He can be intimidating. He gets pretty snarly at me when I say I want a pet rat some day – and yet, I hold my ground (I do what I want!). So why is it so hard for me to be myself to the rest of the world?
I was more or less comfortable referring to myself as a heathen until I realized how insanely protective many “real” heathens are over their name. Apparently if I am not an obsessive reconstructionist with a condescending temper towards UPGs, I shouldn’t be calling myself heathen and spoiling their high and mighty name. Whatever dudes. Ill call myself whatever I want and Ill do what I want. Honestly, I don’t have any particular desire to call myself a heathen over any other pagan name. I just don’t like having to justify every single word I use to describe myself. I’m currently following the ADF path, but I am not a druid. It just seems like the right path for me at this moment, which covers most of what is important to me spiritually.
I was so excited to get my first Mjolinr necklace; until I discovered the prevalence of racism amongst heathens. I’m not too worried that others will think I am racist wearing it considering how dominant my mediterranean genes are. Although, I am still a “privileged” European – so I dunno. But I am afraid of the folkish aryan sort giving me a condescending look out in public. What is wrong with me though? I actually care if one of those sort look down on me? Gah, I should be looking down on THEM. Get it together here Shelley!
And as for my spiritual crisis the other day (if you’re looking for the relevant post, I’ve taken it down, sorry folks). I’ll give honor to whatever deities I want. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I don’t need to be told how or when I am allowed to honor particular gods (the gods have to come to you, not the other way around) or which particular gods I am “allowed” to honor.
No, I don’t mean that I am going to do whatever I want to the point of eclectic cherry picking. I believe in a decent historical grounding to work from. But UPGs are a significant part of spirituality in my book and if mine tend to go against the grain, so be it.
I am curious how much of the anti-Rökkr mentality of modern Heathens is resultant from Christian indoctrination. Why are the Hellenistic pagans so much more accepting of chthonic deities while the heathens are trying to set up a distinct good vs evil dichotomy? Isn’t the latter a Christian construct? Sorry if I’m coming across as anti-Christian here. I don’t mean to do that either. But, for my own purposes, I’d like to clear myself of the Christian imprint on my worldview and pagan practices.
This is *my* life and *my* spiritual path. I don’t need permission to follow my own path.