I Do What I Want

It’s about time that I stop acting like a scared little sprite. Seriously, Why am I so worried about what the rest of the world thinks? Ok, so I get it – We are a social species and yadda yadda, we have to care just a little about how others think. But good grief, I’m driving myself nuts trying to maintain approval from everyone whose anyone.

I have no problem telling my husband all the time that “I do what I WANT!” And yet I can’t do the same in the face of anonymous intimidating strangers? If you knew my husband, you would wonder what my problem is. He can be intimidating. He gets pretty snarly at me when I say I want a pet rat some day – and yet, I hold my ground (I do what I want!). So why is it so hard for me to be myself to the rest of the world?

I was more or less comfortable referring to myself as a heathen until I realized how insanely protective many “real” heathens are over their name. Apparently if I am not an obsessive reconstructionist with a condescending temper towards UPGs, I shouldn’t be calling myself heathen and spoiling their high and mighty name. Whatever dudes. Ill call myself whatever I want and Ill do what I want. Honestly, I don’t have any particular desire to call myself a heathen over any other pagan name. I just don’t like having to justify every single word I use to describe myself. I’m currently following the ADF path, but I am not a druid. It just seems like the right path for me at this moment, which covers most of what is important to me spiritually.

I was so excited to get my first Mjolinr necklace; until I discovered the prevalence of racism amongst heathens. I’m not too worried that others will think I am racist wearing it considering how dominant my mediterranean genes are. Although, I am still a “privileged” European – so I dunno. But I am afraid of the folkish aryan sort giving me a condescending look out in public. What is wrong with me though? I actually care if one of those sort look down on me? Gah, I should be looking down on THEM. Get it together here Shelley!

And as for my spiritual crisis the other day (if you’re looking for the relevant post, I’ve taken it down, sorry folks). I’ll give honor to whatever deities I want. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I don’t need to be told how or when I am allowed to honor particular gods (the gods have to come to you, not the other way around) or which particular gods I am “allowed” to honor.

No, I don’t mean that I am going to do whatever I want to the point of eclectic cherry picking. I believe in a decent historical grounding to work from. But UPGs are a significant part of spirituality in my book and if mine tend to go against the grain, so be it.

I am curious how much of the anti-Rökkr mentality of modern Heathens is resultant from Christian indoctrination. Why are the Hellenistic pagans so much more accepting of chthonic deities while the heathens are trying to set up a distinct good vs evil dichotomy? Isn’t the latter a Christian construct? Sorry if I’m coming across as anti-Christian here. I don’t mean to do that either. But, for my own purposes, I’d like to clear myself of the Christian imprint on my worldview and pagan practices.

This is *my* life and *my* spiritual path. I don’t need permission to follow my own path.

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Posted on July 2, 2015, in Paganism and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I was going to comment the other day but I didn’t. Sounds though that you’ve worked through that crisis just fine. Good on you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • yes, indeed, I spent some time reading through other blogs and similar experiences, which really helped. I also realized that I was getting caught up in near-dogmatic approaches to paganism and that is definitely not the direction I want to head.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a common message: believe in yourself.
    Translation: everybody thinks they shouldn’t care what everybody thinks but still needs everybody to tell them that it’s okay to do so.

    Like

    • There really isn’t any escaping it. If one is true to themselves to the point of being an outcast, then their life is less fulfilling for the lack of a social element (even introverts need it :o). However, with the globalized world as it is today, it is near impossible to be so “unique” that you can’t find any one else with which to feel a sense of community – even if only in spirit, so that is nice 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, I know how that feels! I do get a bit nervous wearing my Mjolnir in case someone thinks it’s a racist thing, but I guess that would give me an opportunity to explain what it really means. As for the hardcore reconstructionist polytheist “ur doin it rong” heathens out there, I tend to ignore them. They have no authority over your practice or mine. I do think that the demonisation of Loki in particular does come from a later Christian gloss and the need for a perceived “Satan” figure. From what little I know, the relationships between the Aesir, Vanir and other beings in Norse myth is much more complex than good vs evil.

    Like

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