Monthly Archives: November 2015
Sorry guys! I know I said you’d hear more from me this week, but the more time I have, the more things come along to fill it up. It’s kind of like money. Maybe you are different, but when I get a little extra pocket change, I often end up wondering how in the world I would have survived with out it, there’s always some “need” that invents itself to fill the spaces of would-be extra.
I am so excited about next year. It’s a big deal quitting school and going off on a completely different path, but I am feeling more and more confident about it as time goes by. The Powers have been telling me that big changes are coming my way since summer and most of my rune and tarot readings since then tell me I am currently in a state of flux, that I need to wrap up loose ends and prepare for what’s next, but also that this won’t be an easy process. Woden especially keeps warning me not to do anything rash. His messages to me have been consistent. Fortunately, Thor, the quiet one who shows up only when I need some serious guidance (usually for major life changes) told me via Tarot (I use my pendulum first to determine if any of the Kindreds have messages for me – so that I know my divinations are meaningful) that things may look bleak now, but that there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, so I am optimistic.
Currently, I am very stressed. Stressed about not passing all my classes. I have gotten good marks so far, I’ve been an A and occasional B student all my life – but I feel a bit over my head now and there is one class in particular for which I am very worried. Even though I don’t need the credit, I need the financial aid. If I don’t pass all of my classes, my tuition remission will be revoked. Not cool. Not cool at all. But I will do my best and what happens will happen.
Time will pass regardless and soon I will be free of school, extra debt or not, and I have so many plans! Besides finding a “day job” (unless my husband hurries up and gets a new job as an attorney, lol), I will be doing all the things I haven’t been able to do for lack of after school time. I am going to make ASMR videos and definitely open an Etsy store. I am so so so excited about being about to be crafty and creative again. I already have a fun and unique (I hope, I haven’t seen it done yet!) idea for a line of jewelry. I’m also getting back into leatherwork which I haven’t done for a long time. I got a new set of carving tools for my birthday and my father says my old marble slab is still hanging out in his garage. In the more distant future, I am thinking I might try blending and selling my own teas. I’ve been wanting to do this ever since my favorite tea business closed a while back (thinking if I want dependable good tea, I’d have to make it myself, 😉 ).
Lets see, what other random news can I share (yes this will probably end up a TL;DR post for most of you – sorry – but know that its rare for me to write lots at once, so consider this making up for all the shorter posts or lack of posts recently :p )
I went to my grandparents place for thanksgiving. They live nearby (within an hour drive when weather is good) on top of what my parents call “grinch mountain.” It a strange place for an old couple to live. My grandmother can’t drive (she never has) and getting rides to the mall from any of the men up there is difficult. So she’s kinda stranded, poor woman! My grandfather recently got one of those oxygen things to carry around. And yet, they have no plans of leaving their wintery, high altitude abode.
My great aunt (my grandmother’s sister) was there too – I haven’t seen her in forever. They say we met up last when I was a teenager, but I hardly remember. I know that she lives in the south. Both she and my grandmother ended up in Arkansas after their parents moved them to the states from Puerto Rico, but my grandmother didn’t stay in the south. At any rate, I was taken aback by my great aunt’s southern accent – so different from my grandmother’s. Both of them have a Spanish accent too, but the southern influence drowns it out a lot more.
I have to admit that I am terrible about family genealogy. I didn’t even know all of my grandparents’ immediate family let alone my great aunt’s. I have taken more interest in family history as of late, however, and tried to get some basic infos from everyone (It was just 5 of us at thanksgiving, grandpa, grandma, great aunt, me, my husband). My grandpa prefers to sit and listen rather than participate in conversation, but I dragged a little info from him nonetheless. I learned about more awesome people I am related to (Seriously, I am related to a ton of awesome people, and royalty too – now if only I could figure out how many people have to die before I get the throne to somewhere, haha).
I have yet to set up an ancestor shrine, but I have plans. I don’t actually have shrines dedicated to any specific deities or spirits yet except for the cofgodas. I am planning to install some small oak accent shelves on my wall for this purpose (I even put some on my wishlist this year).
For the time being, I dedicate my main alter rituals to one or two deities at a time, except for Mani, for whom I usually go outside rather than stay at my altar. I got him some Sambuca recently and my husband wanted to claim it. He loves anise, but he had never heard about Sambuca before 😮 can you believe it? I let him have some of it and he said Mani is one lucky God. lol.
When I went outside to pour out offerings from one of my indoor rituals, I walked out onto the icy concrete steps and looked up at the sky dismayed that it was so cloudy and I couldn’t see the full moon. I asked Mani if he could see me even though I couldn’t see him and just then I slipped on the ice – both of my feet went completely under me (to the point of no return) and I braced myself for the pain and possible a broken neck – but the next thing I know I am standing safely on the ground again. I decided to take that as a yes to my question. Or maybe it was really good subconscious reflexes that I can’t replay in my head, but I prefer the former 😉
Well, I think that’s all I have to say for now – that wasn’t too long, after all, was it?
No particular theme to this post – just felt like checking in and rambling. Because I can.
I made it to Thanksgiving break. Then there’s just a couple more weeks after the break break – I can make it! I am barely hanging onto motivation to complete final requirements, but I must lest I risk having to pay back financial aid. Boo to 20 page papers 😦
For now, I have a little breathing room to recoup before the final stretch. Time to catch up, rest, spend some time with the gods and ancestors, celebrate my birthday (this Sunday). I have felt the presence of Hela and Freyja especially strongly the past couple of weeks, but besides a ritual on the night of the attack on Paris, I have not been actively responding to or seeking correspondence with any of the Kindreds because SCHOOL.
Speaking of the Paris ritual, I’d like to share some things about it. As soon as I sat before my altar, I was troubled. Not because of the deaths that led me there in the first place, but because I realized that I was selectively recognizing only a small portion of the pain and suffering in the world. Despite all else that I had in my mind to say before I sat down, the first thing I did was apologize for treating the deaths in Paris and somehow more significant than those caused by similar, but less publicized circumstances. Before I formally acknowledged this problem to myself and the deities, I felt strangely uncompelled to change my Facebook picture to the trending French-flag overlay. At first, I reasoned that it had something to do with my personal relationship with Paris (long story, just bad memories), but I haven’t felt the same aversion towards the city as I have in the past – time can heal somethings, apparently. Hindsight, I don’t think my personal situation had anything to do with my resistance. Something about it just felt wrong. My subconscious was a step ahead.
I soon discovered that I was not the only one to experience the feeling. Comments on Facebook and blog posts here demonstrated that many people were choosing not to change their profile pictures for the same reason as I. Terrorism and other forms of violence are occurring all over the world. I am sad for Paris and the people affected, but if I displayed the French flag, I might as well say that I do not care about the rest of the world. I know this is hardly a novel concern, now that everyone else has already expressed the same. I just wanted to say I am glad that I am not alone with it.
In other ramble-news, penny activity as started up again. Haven’t had a penny situation in years. So far, it’t not too dramatic, but it started out gradual last time too. I won’t share too many details here. Suffice it to say that the exact situation is hard for me to believe myself, let alone to convince anyone else to believe it.
Not too much else worth sharing at the moment, but expect some more posts over the next few days before another two week hiatus as I struggle through the end of the semester.
After a summer of no moneys, I overdid it just a bit when I finally got some in October. I now have 4 beautiful necklaces from Sebastian Lokason (one was a gift from my husband) and one from Beth Wodandis (along with a few other sundry things from her shop). But now, alas, the fun is over. All the moneys are gone again. What’s left is exclusively set aside for buying presents for not me. haha.
This pretty necklace, from Seb’s shop, arrived just yesterday.
Seb recommended that this necklace go to “someone who wants to improve their self-esteem, dream big, go after those dreams, and gods help whoever gets in your way.”
This is exactly where I am in my life right now. Too many years of trying to impress others, compromise, make-do, I’m done with all that. I kept telling myself I’m just “doing my time” with the hope that someday it will really be “my time.”
I got engaged almost immediately after completing my first undergrad degree. I was 21 and still living with my parents. I never had an opportunity to become my own person, make my own way – find out what I’m really capable of. I married a man older than me who already had a respectable career – and has since changed paths from web developer to lawyer. I went from dependent on my parents to dependent on a husband. I never found a career for myself. I’ve had plenty of odd jobs along the way, but working at Walmart while my husband has an office and a paycheck to make my own look like pocket change has done a number on my self esteem. I stayed in school, looking for anything that could get me in a better place, but I ended up becoming a jack of all trades and master of none. Never mind that many of my school decisions have been based on advice or pressure from others. I’m done with that. I’m done with school. I’d have withdrawn from the current semester already if I wasn’t a TA (I can’t abandon my class).
I don’t care so much that I equal my husband’s income, but I care that I do something I am proud of. I care that I am happy. I care that I become my own person and not what someone else wants me to be. I want an identity that isn’t defined by my husband. I don’t just want to be “the attorney’s wife.” I want to be me and I am ready to show the world who that is.
I have a lot of doubts about myself, very low self esteem and confidence. It’s easier to say I’m going to be myself than to go out and actually do so. This necklace and the intention behind it is a tangible reminder to me of my aspirations. I hope that it along with Freya’s guidance can keep me on track.
When I began the dedicant path, I chose Anglo-Saxon as my hearth culture. Before discovering ADF, I was curious about heathenry and had been poking around various Asatru groups. I didn’t know the differences among different types of heathenry and chose to focus on Anglo-Saxon because of my English ancestry. Not that I believe in that folkish stuff. Not at all. yuck. But I figured since I didn’t have a preference anyway, might as well learn a bit about my ancestors in the process. Incidentally, I do have some Icelandic waaaay back there in the family tree. My 37th great grandma is is Groa Thorsteindottir (This bit of info thanks to my mother, the expert genealogist of the family). Apparently Groa married into a Scottish royal family which essentially ended any further Norse affiliation in my family.
But I digress.
If you’ve been reading my blog regularly, you’ll notice that I have used both Norse and Anglo Saxon names to refer to the Gods. I tried forcing myself to use the AS names exclusively, but many of them I just couldn’t get used to. They felt awkward to say, they felt awkward to type, and most importantly, I didn’t feel like I was connecting with the deities with names that remain foreign to me. There are only two Gods whom I prefer to call by their AS name because it feels right (Woden and Thunor). I expect sooner or later I’m going to lose the small handful of my reconstructionist followers – or find that my posts show up in their Facebook groups as comic fodder. haha. But that’s OK :p I don’t think I’m woo enough yet for that honor anyway. lol.
But honestly, though, should I force myself to use the names that don’t feel right with the understanding that eventually they will? And never mind re-programming years of Norse-mythology influence on my brain, what about communicating with everyone else? If I start calling Freyr by is AS name, Frea or even Ing Frea, people may get confused and think I mean Freya since most are not familiar with the AS names. When I said Freo for Freya recently, my husband said “who?”
I’d rather not have to add an explanatory footnote every time I refer to a God or Goddess by their AS name on my blog. Fortunately, most people know, or can easily figure out, who Woden and Thunor are. As for the rest, I am just going to keep on referring to them by the Norse names and hope that none of the “you’re-doing-it-wrong” people come after me 😮
I’m sticking with the AS hearth culture for the dedicant path, but ultimately, I’ll probably end up following my own blasphemous Norse/Anglo-Saxon/ContinentalGerman mash-up with a hint of Gaelic on the side.
I was on my own for ritual the very first time this High Day. It was a little intimidating. I spent at least two hours on Halloween writing the my script. I couldn’t perform the rite on Halloween because I had trick-or-treaters to tend to, so November 1st was the day.
Everything ran much smoother than I expected. I had all my offerings ready to go, all my divination tools, everything was where I needed it to be. I went to the liquor store the day before to get something especially for Hel, the patron of my rite. I would have liked to have gotten Mead for the Shining Ones as a whole, but there was no mead where I went. I have heard rumor, though, that Hel likes Whiskey, so thats what I got. I stood in the whisky aisle and scanned all the options until something felt right. The first bottle that drew my attention was above my budget so I asked kindly if the Powers or Hel herself might suggest a second choice. Apple Whiskey it was. It smells absolutely lovely and my whole room smelled of apples as it sat in one of my libation pitchers.
Since Hel was Patron goddess, it seemed appropriate to call on Modgud as the gatekeeper. I have not dealt with her before and I got the feeling that she didn’t care too much for the incense I offered. Sorry Modgud!
I used my tarot deck to take the omen rather than my usual rune set. I am trying to break in my deck and get more familiar with it before I visit my family for Yule (so I can do readings for them). The omen was a positive one. I drew a card for each of the three Kindred. For the ancestors, The Lovers; For the Nature Spirits, an inverted Page of Pentacles; and for the Deities, the Ace of Wands. Considering that most of what I had to say to the ancestors tonight involved apologies for neglecting them and a request to forge a closer bond, the Lovers card was a welcome one. The inverted card, however, was slightly disconcerting, but it didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. The Ace of Wands came to the rescue as a light at the end of the tunnel, a seed of hope. I took the overall message to be positive.
Since the veil between worlds is thin at this time, I thought it a good time to ask about a patron. If there is a best time for receiving clear messages, it would be now. I asked if any of the Germanic pantheon is interested in becoming my patron and I drew both a card and a rune from which to divine a message. My first interpretation of the message led to Móna, a deity with whom I am already close, but not one I’ve ever known to act as a personal patron. I wondered if my interpretation wasn’t biased since Móna was already in my thoughts. Just in case, I asked for a simple yes or no from my pendulum. I got a yes. I am still in doubt about Móna as a patron, but never mind that. He is already a very important deity to me, and if that relationship is to develop into something more, I’ll leave it up to time to tell.
Putting aside my reservations about Móna, I felt like a was missing a huge chunk of the message. Not all aspects of the card and rune pointed clearly to Móna. I considered that maybe there is more than one deity trying to communicate with me. I looked at the message again and all of a sudden I just knew that it was Freó. Not just in a stretch-the-interpretation kind of way. It was clear, it felt clear. I had no doubt this time. But Freó? Really? I’ve heard time and again that a patron can very well be one a person has absolutely no affinity towards. But still, Freó? What can I possibly do for her? I’m not the promiscuous, free-love, comfortable-with-my-sexuality sort, scorpio though I may be. I sometimes wish I was, but it’s not me by any means. Me, who held fast to my virginity until marriage because it seemed like the most wonderfully romantic thing to do and me, who has no desire of ever procreating? What can this sexy fertility goddess want from me? Yes, I know she is much more than a goddess of love and sex. She has a lot of titles. I respect her very much as the goddess she is, but I am still confused why she’d want anything to do with a prude like me. Nonetheless, I am pleased to have experienced such a clear message about Her and I hope to discover, in time, what it is She sees in me.
I’m so excited I have to share! Not that I expect any of you to be excited with me, but that’s ok :p
I was hoping for a big trick-or-treat turnout this year and thats exactly what I got. We almost ran out of candy and we definitely ran out of toys. I was a little sad about that. I love how excited the little ones get for the toys. Next year I will be prepared! I told the kids one toy only, but those little devils! sneaking extras before I could catch ’em and I didn’t want to tell them to put something back and make them sad. lol.
Part of my enthusiasm for trick-or-treaters comes from being childfree. I don’t want my own kids. I don’t even feel comfortable being around other people’s kids for too long, but I love giving presents. I like to see their faces light up and enjoy that brief moment of happiness without any of the awkwardness that would come from longer encounters. I am very very awkward with kids past the first, “hello aren’t you cute” greeting.
We didn’t have a lot of decor and I didn’t even have a costume this year, but I had wonderfully dramatic bat wing earrings, so that has to count for something, right?
And now, some pictures:
The treat table (candy, halloween dolls, halloween character paratroopers, candy corn playing cards, pumpkin checkers);
I had many more dolls, about 20 I think, but only a few in the buckets at a time.
Our minimal, but cute outdoor decor:
My bat earrings, because I love them and you should too 😉