New Bling and New Beginnings (^^)

After a summer of no moneys, I overdid it just a bit when I finally got some in October. I now have 4 beautiful necklaces from Sebastian Lokason (one was a gift from my husband) and one from Beth Wodandis (along with a few other sundry things from her shop). But now, alas, the fun is over. All the moneys are gone again. What’s left is exclusively set aside for buying presents for not me. haha.

This pretty necklace, from Seb’s shop, arrived just yesterday.

QueenofFab

Seb recommended that this necklace go to “someone who wants to improve their self-esteem, dream big, go after those dreams, and gods help whoever gets in your way.”

This is exactly where I am in my life right now. Too many years of trying to impress others, compromise, make-do, I’m done with all that. I kept telling myself I’m just “doing my time” with the hope that someday it will really be “my time.”

I got engaged almost immediately after completing my first undergrad degree. I was 21 and still living with my parents. I never had an opportunity to become my own person, make my own way – find out what I’m really capable of. I married a man older than me who already had a respectable career – and has since changed paths from web developer to lawyer. I went from dependent on my parents to dependent on a husband. I never found a career for myself. I’ve had plenty of odd jobs along the way, but working at Walmart while my husband has an office and a paycheck to make my own look like pocket change has done a number on my self esteem. I stayed in school, looking for anything that could get me in a better place, but I ended up becoming a jack of all trades and master of none. Never mind that many of my school decisions have been based on advice or pressure from others. I’m done with that. I’m done with school. I’d have withdrawn from the current semester already if I wasn’t a TA (I can’t abandon my class).

I don’t care so much that I equal my husband’s income, but I care that I do something I am proud of. I care that I am happy. I care that I become my own person and not what someone else wants me to be. I want an identity that isn’t defined by my husband. I don’t just want to be “the attorney’s wife.” I want to be me and I am ready to show the world who that is.

I have a lot of doubts about myself, very low self esteem and confidence. It’s easier to say I’m going to be myself than to go out and actually do so. This necklace and the intention behind it is a tangible reminder to me of my aspirations. I hope that it along with Freya’s guidance can keep me on track.

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Posted on November 7, 2015, in Whatever (Musings, Rants, Daily Life) and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Sebastian Lokason

    Reblogged this on Aloha From Hell and commented:
    In which someone shows off bling they got from me, and it looks fabulous on you too! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. THIS

    I’m in nearly exactly the same position in my life. My husband is also older than me and white collar. I also have spent my time in academia making decisions under outside pressures, I also am struggling to gain my independence and self-created identity. I also have significant doubts about myself and marginal (at best) confidence (however, I do have ridiculously good self esteem ;-P). But, unlike you, I don’t have any degrees or a position as TA to show for my scholastic laboring. At least give yourself credit for managing these things. While they may not feel like much or enough, trust me when I say it could feel MUCH worse – if, like me, you’d maxed out your student loans and had more than enough credits for two degrees, but not enough in one discipline to get an actual degree. 😮 GAHHHHH!

    I’m really looking forward to reading your blog. It’s extremely heartening to find someone in such a similar life situation – one that often feels pretty unique (in all the crapiest ways). Please know you aren’t alone in your particular struggles – that at least one other person “out there” gets it and is rooting for you. Congrats on your pretty necklace and all my best wishes for you on your trajectory of individuation and self-reliance.

    Best regards,

    J

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello! and welcome 🙂 I have a few degrees, but I also have enough credits for a couple more (many changes of major and a few university transfers) I’m getting paid to go to school now (perk of grad school) and that’s nice, but I really can’t do much with my degrees out in the real world. Thank you for the encouraging words!

      Like

  3. My situation isn’t identical to yours, but I can relate.

    I was lucky enough to find some independence when I was in my early to mid twenties. I wasn’t making tons of money, but I had my own apartment and was doing my own thing for years. Then I met my husband, then we had a child, and then I was fired. My husband doesn’t make boo coo money (he works for a small software company), but he makes enough for us to be comfortable on one income (low cost of living here). Since I lost my job, I’ve been doing the Housewife thing. I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom, but what keeps me from working is the cost of childcare. It’s simply affordable. I’d be working just to pay for childcare, working would be pointless. (I had a sweet set up with my last job, they were willing to pay a big portion of my childcare cost. That was the only reason why I was able to keep working there after I had my daughter.)

    I have that whole Jack of all Trades thing going on too, and for me that kept me from getting a Bachelors. Pretty much I was changing my major nearly every semester, until I dropped out. But I do have an Associates Degree and a few certificates I earned at my local community college. I’m probably sitting on a Bachelors degree’s worth of random credit hours too. I’m constantly in and out of school every few years, and I’m quite tired of it. Luckily I’m not in school now.

    I’m pregnant again, it was planned and very much wanted, but it means I have no clue when I’ll realistically be able to get a job again. Probably years, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be seen as unemployable to most employers by then.

    I really do miss earning and having my own money, and sometimes I feel like I’ve been domesticated. I went from being supported by my parents, to supporting myself, to being supported by my husband. It does feel like I reverted back to childhood in some ways. Blah…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Although easier said than done – I don’t want income to be the basis of my self worth. I simply want to feel like I contribute the the world in a meaningful way while being true to myself. I consider being a mother and housewife a respectable identity itself, you should only regret not doing more if more is really what you want. To me being a mother is very much a career in its own right paycheck or not.

      Like

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