New Bling and New Beginnings (^^)
After a summer of no moneys, I overdid it just a bit when I finally got some in October. I now have 4 beautiful necklaces from Sebastian Lokason (one was a gift from my husband) and one from Beth Wodandis (along with a few other sundry things from her shop). But now, alas, the fun is over. All the moneys are gone again. What’s left is exclusively set aside for buying presents for not me. haha.
This pretty necklace, from Seb’s shop, arrived just yesterday.
Seb recommended that this necklace go to “someone who wants to improve their self-esteem, dream big, go after those dreams, and gods help whoever gets in your way.”
This is exactly where I am in my life right now. Too many years of trying to impress others, compromise, make-do, I’m done with all that. I kept telling myself I’m just “doing my time” with the hope that someday it will really be “my time.”
I got engaged almost immediately after completing my first undergrad degree. I was 21 and still living with my parents. I never had an opportunity to become my own person, make my own way – find out what I’m really capable of. I married a man older than me who already had a respectable career – and has since changed paths from web developer to lawyer. I went from dependent on my parents to dependent on a husband. I never found a career for myself. I’ve had plenty of odd jobs along the way, but working at Walmart while my husband has an office and a paycheck to make my own look like pocket change has done a number on my self esteem. I stayed in school, looking for anything that could get me in a better place, but I ended up becoming a jack of all trades and master of none. Never mind that many of my school decisions have been based on advice or pressure from others. I’m done with that. I’m done with school. I’d have withdrawn from the current semester already if I wasn’t a TA (I can’t abandon my class).
I don’t care so much that I equal my husband’s income, but I care that I do something I am proud of. I care that I am happy. I care that I become my own person and not what someone else wants me to be. I want an identity that isn’t defined by my husband. I don’t just want to be “the attorney’s wife.” I want to be me and I am ready to show the world who that is.
I have a lot of doubts about myself, very low self esteem and confidence. It’s easier to say I’m going to be myself than to go out and actually do so. This necklace and the intention behind it is a tangible reminder to me of my aspirations. I hope that it along with Freya’s guidance can keep me on track.