Category Archives: Whatever (Musings, Rants, Daily Life)
I celebrate the return of the sun on the third night of Yule; that being the night following the first day that was longer than the previous day. I prefer to “confirm” that the day’s are getting longer before I rejoice. In other words, I don’t count my eggs before they hatch, as the old saying goes.
Once I have borne witness to Sunne’s renewed strength, I ask her what her return heralds for the coming year. This is the first year in which I have practiced this method of yearly-omen taking, but I plan to maintain it as a tradition going forth. I take my monthly omens from Móna (the god of the moon), so it seems appropriate to take yearly omens from Sunne.
This year, it turns out, is the year of ᚩ (Ós). Ós is the Anglo-Saxon equivalent of the Elder-Futhark ᚨ (Ansuz).
OS (The God) is the creator of all language,
widom’s fountain and consolation of sages
and every man’s joy and trust.1
After receiving the rune omen, I proceeded to come up with a theme for 2018 that embodies the essence of it. In the past, I’ve let my yearly omen set a tone for the year and act as a lens through which I interpret various events, but I’ve never actively used it to set my intentions or resolutions.
I really like the idea of a New Year’s theme in place of a resolution, so I decided to go that route this year. It took me some time and contemplation to come up with a word or, rather, a noun phrase that worked. I considered “communication”, “divine inspiration”, and “awareness”, among others, but none of these really captures the entirety of Ós. I finally settled on “divine consciousness,” having also considered higher/heightened consciousness. “Consciousness” assumes awareness and “divine” assumes a higher state of it. “Divine consciousness” reminds me that the breath of divine inspiration flows through me and that I, though not a god myself, am the result of an unbroken chain going back to the divine source. Concequently, I have access not only to the guidance of the gods, but also to that of my ancestors. My focus this year will be on developing, accessing, and learning from this state consciousness.
Because this is a theme and not a resolution, I have no objective goal to meet. I imagine it would be difficult to objectify progress in heightened states of consciousness anyway. But the theme will inform my monthly intentions, interpretation of future omens, and over all spiritual journey this coming year. It’s going to be an awesome year!
1. From the Old English rune poem as translated by Alaric Albertson
Today is the day of the Autumn Equinox. The exact time of the astronomical event is 22:02 UTC (That’s 2:02pm Mountain Time for me). According to Google (and to my brother for whom Google is never wrong) this is the first day of Autumn. Although Google certainly has creepy mass mind-control powers, I don’t get the impression it has convinced most of the U.S. that this is the first day of Autumn. Popular culture seems to be in agreement that Autumn begins either on September 1st or after Labor Day at the very latest. Starbucks, another mass-mind control powerhouse (lol), delivers Autumn with the arrival of the Pumpkin Spice Latte on the first of the month. The overlords of fashion dictate that we wear no white (read: Summer) clothing after Labor Day. Validating pop-culture Autumn are the dependable scientific minds of the Meteorological community, who, for ease of comparing seasons year-to-year, define Autumn as a static three month period neatly consuming the months of September, October, and November.
And then there’s me. A rebel among rebels, welcoming Autumn in August. My fellow Indo-European-based pagans should be with me on this, but it seems even among my own kind, I am not well supported. Undeterred, I continue to follow my own path. My logic blends phenology with ancient custom. The seasons are not as static as the ideological meteorologists would have them, but phenological seasons are a bummer to keep track of.
I, like the meteorologists, quite like a cut-and-dry static model for the seasons. As a pagan, however, I can’t help but notice that the seasons themselves don’t adhere to unequivocal models. They vary each year, but unlike the calendar dates of the solstices and equinoxes, phenological seasons cannot be calculated in advanced, nor can phenologists agree on an exact start date even after the season has begun. Way to be elusive Mother Nature! XD Even if we could pinpoint the exact first day of a season in a particular area, the date would be different in every region. Social species that we are, standard dates for celebration bring us together across long distances.
My first method of approach to seasonal reckoning was to stick with the ancient Celtic calendar (according to which seasons begin on the cross-quarter days) and back it up with the logic that, despite the weather, the longest days of the year should encompass Summer, the shortest, Winter. And yet, I couldn’t help but be distracted by both conflicting weather and conflicting opinions. What to do?
I decided to continue as I had been, welcoming in the seasons at the cross –quarters. At Hlæfmæst (Lammas), I call for Autumn. I bid it to hurry along because I have missed it so. Similarly, I may ask a particular season not to leave yet, because I am not ready. Not that I expect Mother Nature to adhere to my every whim, but the idea of it is in line with the way ancient pagans prayed for longer or shorter seasons per their agricultural needs.
As I welcome the onset of the phenological season, which may or may not begin right away, I consider the “official” start of a season to factor in the length of days as well as the cultural atmosphere. In August, Autumn themes begin to appear in the media, harvest decor creeps into shops around town, and people begin preparing for the onset of the full season. Autumn weather or not, the signs of Autumn appear in August, whether in the balancing length of days (which straddle the equinox) or in the cultural environment.
I may have been wrong to call August unequivocally Autumn in the past, but so too are others for calling it Summer. I witnessed Autumn begin while Summer continued. The cross-quarter months are liminal months. The secular world, too, acknowledges this liminality with Groundhog Day in February. If everyone is so confident that February fits squarely in Winter, then why the superstition concerning groundhogs and early Spring?
The cross-quarter months contain the endings ~and~ beginning of seasons. By all means, wish me a happy Autumn anytime in September, but don’t tell me that it didn’t begin in August or even that Summer is finally over now, as late as the equinox. My liminal-months model, while closer to Nature, still doesn’t box Her in.
The following is a hastily written rant initially intended for Facebook until it exceeded a paragraph. Please forgive the lack of structure/grammar/etc.
Why is X-rated television becoming mainstream and everyone is just like, yea cool, whatevs? And the fans of it mock the rest of us for being prudes or not progressive enough for the modern world. Like what the actual hell guys? Are you for real? This isn’t just a matter of nudity on television. Go ahead, support nudity. The whole free-the-nipple thing isn’t my cuppa – but to each their own.
I thought the argument going around these days in support of nudity was for the sake of de-sexulaizing– the human form. I’m pretty sure graphic sex (especially of the non-vanilla variety) on television not otherwise marketed as porn isn’t helping to that end. Or are you the one who wants to tell me that sex is a part of life and I should accept that? Since when has it been a part of (typical) life to invite an audience into the bedroom? Sex has been a private activity through much of human history, albeit with some exception, but I think you get my point. Heck, even the exceptions have been semi-private. And come on guys, are you all are seriously cool sitting around with your families watching an extended graphic-butt-sex scene on American Gods? No one feels uncomfortable sharing that moment with the fam? I bet some of you shift around in your chairs amongst awkward silence and shifty glances around the room. Voyeuristically watching other people get it on is not a normal form of TV-dinner entertainment. There’s nothing natural about it. It’s creepy.
In forums where I notice people discussing these matters, people question why excessive violence is OK if porn isn’t? That’s like saying, well how come that guy got away with murder but I can’t get away with rape? Obviously “that guy” is also a problem. Pointing out a wrong to justify another wrong is so cliche stupid. The violence on television today far exceeds what used to be rated R and is unnecessarily gratuitous. If it’s going to be torture porn, it needs to be hanging out with the other freaky-graphic horror movies and not advertised as something else. So many times I think I find a good show to watch only to be traumatized by a grossly violent scene I didn’t know to expect – the kind of violence that I only ever saw in horror movies when I was younger.
It’s frustrating that every time I see a trailer for a new show, I need to wait for the parent’s guide to catch up enough to inform me about the context of the show. I shouldn’t have to do this. I am a child-free adult. I shouldn’t have to consult a parents guide to find out if the prime time fantasy or action-hero show I wish to watch is undercover horror or porn. In adult television, I expect violence. In a rated R show, I expect to see full frontal nudity, but I expect something along the lines of The Terminator or Titanic.
But what can I do but sit here and rant about it? And perhaps expect commentary of the unfriendly kind. It’s a bummer to be too liberal for the conservatives and too prudish for the liberals. No one likes me and I think the world is full of morons, so I guess that makes us even. Oh well.
I was inspired to write this post after coming across a list of differences between empathy and clairsentience. Apparently traits of one are frequently mixed in with definitions of the other. I almost worried for a moment that I had it wrong, that I’m not an empath at all, only clairsentient. But no, it turns out I am both.
I am a full-time empath and a part time clairsentient. Regarding the latter, there are sometimes I am hyper aware of ~all the things~ to the point of creeping myself out, and other times I am completely tuned out. I don’t have a lot of control over when I am tuned in or out. It just happens.
As for the empath part – I’ve been struggling with this part of my identity for a long time. I grew up introverted and aloof with a history of terrible social etiquette, only to find out later that I have an ASD. I figured empathy was out of the question. People from all walks of my life have told me I lack in that department and I believed it.
As I’ve come into my own and gained increased self-awareness and understanding, I realized that empathy is not what I am lacking, despite having Aspergers. In fact, recent studies have shown that aspies are capable of intense levels of empathic ability. I internalize other’s emotions like nobody’s business. I am also a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and have mirror touch synesthesia. I can feel you, I can understand you (though how I get to that understanding might be unconventional as they say INTJ empaths go about it a different way), but there’s no denying that I get it. What I don’t have is the (natural) ability to act on it. I lack the ability to sympathize and comfort. And as I back away from comforting someone, they hurt more and I feel it more. It’s a terrible thing. Some part of me deep inside screams and cries as the emotional tension amplifies, and yet on the outside, my face is stoic. I tell people to man or woman-up. stop whining. leave me alone. I ain’t your shoulder to cry on.
It didnt start out this way. Initially, I retreated without any additional dialog. I played the part of aloof well. But as I learned to accept my supposedly cold and non-empathetic persona, I turned it into a game to cope. I laughed it off. My silence became rude comments which became dry sarcasm. At least the end result doesn’t hurt people as much. They don’t take me seriously, nor do they expect anything from me. Or do they?
The strange thing is, I’ve had a surprising number of people, even some I dont know well, come to me in times of trouble. Why me? Don’t they know I will only make it worse? But they still come, they tell me their problems. I listen. I absorb the pain and leave them with hardly a few words in reply. And still, they return. It makes me immensely uncomfortable. I care, but I don’t know how to show it. All I can do is feel.
Long time no post! Sorry guys. I keep doing that to you. I’m going to do my best to get onto a regular posting schedule next year. If any of you can suggest some fun blog prompts or yearly blog challenges, I would love to hear them. I was all on top of things when I had the DP work to do. But now that’s over, more or less. I haven’t posted the book reports yet because I feel accomplished enough with my spirituality that it hasn’t been a priority. Sounds very INTP of me though doesn’t it? Dropping a task as soon as I near completion to start something else? Well, INTP isn’t one of my possible types, but this does lead me quite nicely into the topic I mean to blog about right now.
I’ve been defending my INTJ status for a few years now. Nevertheless, I don’t fit into the INTJ box very well. If I did, I wouldn’t fee the need to keep defending my place in it. But every so often, I start to question myself. Could I be an INFJ? Drop the INFJ bomb in any INTJ forum and they will immediately go to the standard script: INTJs don’t question their type. More INFJs are mistyped as INTJ than vice versa. The mere fact that I am questioning my type must mean I am not INTJ. Perhaps. There certainly is a correlation. Other facts and correlations that don’t work in my favor include being female and former female INTJ Youtubers revealing that they are really INFJ. But if we can just put aside these quick-solution correlations for a moment and look at the facts of my particulate situation, that’d be great.
I have been told that I am intimidating as many times as I have been accused of being personable. But there is a clear differentiation of context for each identity. When I am doing customer service work such as tech support or cashiering, I am always labeled the most personable employee. Customers seek me out on purpose because I am the “nice one.” This has been consistent across the board in every job I’ve ever held. Get me out of my day job and the friendly facade is gone just like that. Not that I am necessarily mean, but the immediately approachable persona is no longer there. I become an acquired taste. When people get to know me, they no longer fear me and they even come to me with their problems from time to time for advice or just an ear to listen.
Watching my youtube videos, I have a hard time figuring out what it is that intimidates people. Truth be told, I wish I was intimidating. It’s an aspect of INTJness that I like to play up, but when I watch myself in action, I laugh at how stupid I come across. How in the world can anyone find that mess of derp intimidating? I discussed this with my husband and he said that my youtube persona doesn’t match how I behave most of the time out in the wild. I really want to believe it. But I have no idea how I really come across except that people have told me they don’t know how to approach me, so there must be something to it.
My behavior has also changed with age. I go out of my way to avoid conflict and to try, albeit poorly, to be a peace keeper. This is normal. People change as they mature and some develop their tertiary functions more than others. Could this be my issue? Do I have a super-developed Fi? Maybe, but this still wouldn’t explain why I try to avoid conflict. Fe is the one that bases morals on societal norms and tries to adjust their behavior to harmonize with the group. But is it even harmonizing that I do? If I was harmonizing so well, people wouldn’t be intimidated. Before I was 18, I had no intuition for group dynamics and social queues. I was so Aspie it’s embarrassing to remember. I did what I wanted as I wanted to with no regard for how it affected others. I was completely oblivious to the social atmosphere around me. I cringe remembering some of the horrible things I’ve done in the past, now that I can understand the big picture in hind sight. Today, I excel at picking up group dynamics and it surprises me how natural it has become. However, I don’t pick them up right away. There is a processing delay. I don’t get those famous INFJ vibes in a room the minute I walk in. But I can analyze the landscape fairly quickly. Once I do, I will try my best not to make waves.
I enjoy debate and any excuse to have discussions about hot topics, but only with select people who also aren’t wave makers. I might attempt to speak my mind from the beginning in an unfamiliar group, but the minute someone takes it personally, I back off. I don’t go around proactively trying to create harmony, but I make sure I personally am not involved in the discord. In fact, it has occurred to me that conflict around me doesn’t bother me. It only bothers me if I know I am somehow involved.
While (I think) I am blending in externally, my personal moral code is not Fe driven. I disagree with so many traditional norms and morals it’s crazy. I have my own sense of morality, but no desire to impose it on anyone. I privately judge everyone while behaving cordial. I believe in “to each their own”; live and let live. I might not agree with you, but if you stay out of my way, I’ll stay out of yours.
I read a blog post about sympathetic INTJs and it struck a chord with me. Especially this part:
While I understand people on an extreme level, I don’t feel their emotions the way an Fe user would. My Ni lets me know intuitively what’s going on behind the lines and then I’m able to logically put together what someone is feeling by using Te. I can understand, but I cannot empathize unless I have shared experience.
I call myself an empath from time to time because I do think that I can understand people deeply and even feel their emotions. But only if it relates to a shared experience. I can reason out just about any emotion, but if I can’t relate to it, I won’t internalize it. I have a hard time imagining what it must be like for empaths who claim to internalize emotions no matter the situation.
I read elsewhere that:
[INTJ]s feel uncomfortable with overt displays of emotion, because for them, feelings are highly personal and private. When an INTJ is approached with a personal problem, the INTJ’s first reaction is to treat it like a challenge to be solved. In lieu of emotional support, the INTJ may offer practical solutions.
While I certainly do enjoy helping out a friend in distress, it’s definitely more of a puzzle than an emotional event for me. I love the accolades for solving the problem, but I don’t do emotional support. I want to and wish I could and I hate myself that I don’t, but I can’t handle displays of emotion. Internally, I care deeply when it’s someone in my inner circle; externally, I come across as impersonal and indifferent. When I try to provide emotional support it comes across as fake, cold, forced, or awkward to the point of comedy. In some rare cases, people have told me I was plenty emotionally supportive, so perhaps my efforts can read as I intend them, but they do not come to me naturally or feel natural when I enact them.
Moving on from all the feelzy talk, my “T” also doesn’t fit squarely in the INTJ box. On all cognitive function tests, my Te and Ti are nearly identical. I spend a lot of time in my head, but so do other INTJs apparently. In this case, I think I am misunderstanding Te and Ti rather than using both equally. I am the type to correct details and grammar in others’ speech. I question what others perceive as trivial details, whereas an INTJ is only supposed to be concerned with the big picture. I want the big picture and the details, but the latter only on my terms. I cannot stand people who take forever to get to the point. I will be rude and ask them to get to the point or point out if something has already been stated. If they say a detail I notice as false, I call them on it immediately. I do this to my husband all the time and he hates it. He’ll say something happened on a particular day of the week, for example, and I’ll volunteer empirical data to prove that it couldn’t have happened then. He gets frustrated not knowing why I should even care, since the day it happened wasn’t essential to the story being told. At the same time, I constantly accuse him of taking too long to get to the point. I don’t want fluff details. If the date was never mentioned, I wouldn’t have asked for it. But if an inaccurate detail is placed there, relevant or not, I’ll call you on it. Why insert a random fluff detail if it’s not imperative to the point —especially if it’s not even accurate? This drives me nuts. I have been confusing this as a Ti attention to detail when I’m not so sure that’s really what it is. I will request details as I deem them relevant, but I don’t like the speaker to volunteer any more than necessary up front. I prefer to seek the big picture first and then go back to retrieve details. Still, I do enjoy thinking about stuff purely for the sake of thinking about it with no practical purpose in mind except for logical satisfaction. This is a Ti thing, isn’t it?
The most frustrating thing of it is, I want to be unique. Individuality is a priority for me, but I also want to fit neatly into a box. What even is that? I want a box and don’t want one at the same time? Ok, I do know. I want a box that’s pre-defined but not too crowded.
Results of my most recent cognitive function test are as follows. For the time being, I am still (a deviant) INTJ.
But why am I all whimsical and airy fairy and into the occult and magickal stuff? That’s more INFJ. But the “counselor” personality? No way. I do not go out of my way to help people. If I know you well, and I respect you, then yes, of course. I would absolutely hate to be a therapist. Strangers do not concern me. I wish them well, but I don’t want their baggage on me.
So don’t send out a search party just yet… :p
So where exactly have I been? Oh you know, here, there, everywhere but blogging. Obviously.
I did my Dedicant Oath, by the way, during Harvest Home. Here’s a video of it:
I have not, however, submitted my final materials yet for evaluation. You may notice that the book reports section under the DP tab is lacking in actual reports. I was all happily preparing to submit some half-arsed reports, the kind that result from having read books while falling asleep (because I was so damn tired everyday after work). But I realized that I would only be cheating myself going through with it, so I am now re-reading one of the texts and have selected an alternate text to read for one of the categories because #reasons. You should see book reports popping up here in the next couple of weeks.
In other news, I have officially began the work for starting my business. A name, a DBA registration with my state, a tax number, a business bank account. It’s all feeling so real. But the most exciting part? I finally have the funds I need to purchase supplies for start up. And indeed, the first orders have been placed. SO MUCH TEH EXCITE!
What I need to figure out before officially opening up shop is the logistics of the marketing. I know I’m doing leather crafts and that I want to stick to new-age, pagan, or generally whimsical themes. Hand-carved journal covers are definitely in the plans. There are other crafts I want to include, but I need to figure out how to put it all together into a branding that makes sense. I’m tentatively aiming for a January opening on Etsy, but we’ll see how that goes.
I’ll keep everyone posted!
OMG, you guys! I love my Nature Spirit tarot deck even more than when I first found it. I got it back in August, my first RW-style tarot deck. The artwork called to me. It was love at first sight.
But when I started to use it, I became overwhelmed with the complexity of tarot. I put it aside for a while and returned to my runes. Last night, I decided it was time for me and my deck to get properly acquainted. So I did an interview spread. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now, but I’ve been afraid. I came across some interview spreads other people have done that indicated tough-love sort of decks, or decks that apparently “hated” them. I didn’t want to find out that the first ever tarot deck that called to me was going to be a difficult one to work with. But it was time. It was time to finally find out. And I am so so so happy with the results.
Here is the spread:
Right away, I was stunned by the presence of three cards from my favorite suit in this deck (the wands) and three of my favorite major arcana cards (the strength card is my especial favorite from this deck). As I began to interpret the cards, I realized that me and this deck, we are going to be friends forever.
Here are the questions and my interpreted answers:
- Tell me about yourself. What is your most important characteristic?
- Ace of Wands: I am the latent potential of your creative and spiritual development and a guide to mental clarity.
- What are your strengths?
- II of Wands: My strength lies in helping you to learn from your past experiences and to build from them. I am your guide to new beginnings built on a foundation of your past.
- What are your limits?
- VIII of wands: My strength is aiding your spiritual growth from within, not from without. Don’t expect intervention from an external divine source in your readings.
- What do you bring to the table — What are you here to teach me?
- The Star: I am here to teach you spiritual wisdom and mastery of a quiet mind.
- How can I best learn and collaborate with you?
- Strength: You must use your own inner strength to tame the beast within and acquire the mental discipline needed to follow the path on which I will lead you.
- What is the potential outcome of our working relationship?
- You will learn to quiet your mind, to slow down, observe, meditate, and reflect before taking action. With my guidance, you will find inner peace and perpetual spiritual growth.
How lovely is all that? This is a very spiritual deck and will help me more with internal than external concerns. This is exactly what I need at this time. This is what I have needed for a long time. I have severe anxiety and stress. I can do very little without fretting so much about messing up, that I really do mess up. I am rarely relaxed even when doing something I love. I worry about perfection even when I am the only one to witness what I am doing. I really really really need to access my inner strength and find inner peace. I need to seriously chill out, detach from all the stresses around me, and get a grip. :p With the guidance of this tarot deck, I may finally be able to do this! \(^^)/
Somehow I’ve managed to arrange my life such that I feel as if I have less available time than when I was in grad school. How is this possible? #timeywimeywibblywobblystuff.
I’m trying my best to prioritize the most important of my personal interests and activities. That includes piano practice, meditation, gardening, and my YouTube challenge videos. In addition to my Dedicant path work, I have assignments for the Kitchen Witchery course in which I am enrolled. I am paying for this, so that’s motivation enough to keep up. I’m a bit disappointed in myself for taking nearly a month to complete the first assignment when two weeks is the recommended time to spend on each. In my defense, though, energy work was a tough topic to start out with.
I am working part time too. A job I plan to quit as soon as my husband gets a better job. I am hoping very much that this occurs before October, because somewhere in my daily schedule I need to fit in serious preparation time for my Etsy store. I need to brush up my skills in crafts I haven’t pursued in years. Namely, leather craft. I used to be pretty good at it. Of course, I also wasn’t half bad at drawing back in the day either – but I fear that starting again won’t be quite like riding a bike. I want to sell hand carved leather journals (and/or journal covers among a few other things) and although my amateur work I was the talk of my high school so very long ago, I am sure that a marketable item will require better than high-school level skills. I have my tools, acquired a new marble slab since my father lost my old one (the one he regularly reminded me of every time he found it in the garage but can’t find now that I want it) and I have some dinky little kits and leather to practice with. But time, I can’t find time 😦 I’d like a good solid month or two to just practice and get an idea for exactly what I’ll be putting up for sale in the long run. I can’t do much more than practice for the time being anyway since I have absolutely no spare money to buy the supplies I need. Eventually, if not sooner, I’d like to look into my options for the most and eco friendly and humanely acquired (from happy and organically raised cattle) leather and I do not expect this to be a cheap option.
I started out this year really excited about my plans, but it’s starting to look like nothing is going to really get rolling until the end of the year at best. My divinations really weren’t kidding about this being my time-of-waiting. I’m doing my best to use my waiting time wisely. Lots and lots of planning. This way, when I am finally in a position to start, I’ll be able to do so efficiently. Besides my store, I also want to start an ASMR channel. I think I said this before, but my current youtube channel was to be preparation for this (practice, confidence-building, etc). I didn’t expect to get many, if any subscribers on my current channel, but people are subscribing (and I am very very happy for this). But this also means TheAspiePagan may turn into a bigger and longer-term project than I thought.
Speaking of my channel, I’ve uploaded some more videos since I last posted:
But back to my time issues: there’s the especially big problem I have with sitting down (or getting up) to do one thing and spending the next hour doing something completely different. I do this all. the. time. This very blog post is one such case. I sat down to write about gatekeepers in ADF ritual and ended up writing this instead. But, hey, it’s still a blog entry, so that’s something.
I need to rant for a bit. I try not to do so too often, but I’m just so frustrated and someone has to know.
I got a part time job. Nothing glamorous and it pays barely anything, but it’s something to bring in a few extra bucks while my husband is looking for a better job.
Anyway, I needed to get some appropriate clothing to wear for work, so I went shopping. I hate shopping. Especially clothing shopping. I don’t mind window shopping or some non-clothing shopping. It’s easier to bear if I’m with people – but sometimes that too can add to my stress. Malls are the worst for me. I like them for a short while. I like the small gift shops and fun trinkets all around, but I hate the non-stop social interaction. Clothing stores are the worst – sales people talking to me the minute I walk in. Ugh, I can’t take it! Go away, don’t talk to me. **Please,** people. I try not to make eye contact. I make wide arcs around every sales person, but they come after me anyway. Apparently Aspies aren’t the only ones who misses social queues :/. I can usually handle about three, maybe four (on a good day) clothing store interactions. After this, I tend to become visibly stressed. I am a passive person for the most part and don’t like to stir up trouble, but when I’m at my social-interaction limit, my responses can become curt and sometimes rude. I don’t mean to be rude. I’ve been known to return to a store before leaving the mall to apologize to anyone I might have been so with.
For some reason, malls give me the most trouble. I can put on the neurotypical act for a long time in many other settings. I have been praised for having the best customer service skills in most of my jobs. I’m not even kidding. I’ve had people ask for me by name because I’m the “friendly one.” Something about the mall just puts me on a borderline meltdown mode as soon as I walk in.
When my husband is with me, he keeps the sales people away whenever he can. However, he doesn’t mind being rude right away. He’s not a terribly friendly person to people outside his own circle. He is rude because he just doesn’t like people. The people aren’t my problem. I love people and I hate it when I do anything to offend someone I don’t know. I am not annoyed at the salespeople so much as stressed around them. I start panicking and I can easily get a headache within 15 minutes if pressured into too much conversation.
I prepare myself in advance for trips to the mall. I get plenty of rest the night before. I don’t do anything else stressful before leaving. On a good day, I can make it into all of the clothing shops provided the conversations are limited to a quick “hi, how are you?” If they keep talking after my “fine, thank you,” my anxiety sets in.
At the mall today, I went to Maurices first. The salesperson there wouldn’t leave me alone! It was the creepiest thing! She started with the customary “how are you?” and the conversation progresses as follows:
me: “I’m good, thanks”
her: “did you work to day?”
me: (I freeze up as I struggle to make sense of a question out of the usual context – does she think I work there?) I hesitantly answer, “no,” and try to ignore her.
her: “Oh, so you got the day off!?”
me: (feeling really out of my element. I didn’t practice for this. It’s not the usual small talk. what do I do??) I nod and give a half nervous smile. What business is it of hers anyway if I worked, if I even work at all? seriously, what was her deal???
her: “oh fun, so you are here to shop till you drop?!”
me: “uh, i guess. but I really don’t like shopping” she gives me a concerned “oh?” and I say, “I don’t like a lot of things that most people like, but I have to shop sometimes.” A stupid reply, really, but I had no idea what to say and I wanted to figure out how to get away from this situation without coming across as rude. I walk away from her again and avoid eye contact. She notices me look at a table of jeggings.
her: “so you’re here looking for something particular then?? some jeggings”
me: “no, I’m just looking,” I say as I hurry to the other end of the store. Another stupid reply considering my previous comment about not liking to shop – but again, what business is it of hers?
I stalled before most of my replies, really confused about how to answer. I’m pretty sure the panic was showing on my face by my final reply, but I made my way to the exit before she could say anything else.
So, wonderful, I was in the mall not even 10 minutes and already stressed. Fan-freaking-tastic.
Perhaps we should move on now to *why* I was even in the mall. There are other places to buy clothing. The mall isn’t even close by – it’s a 30min drive. It certainly wasn’t my first choice. My first choice was the Kohl’s that is a couple blocks away from me. A large, mostly quiet store, close to home – perfect! I don’t need anything fancy, just some black pants. Any black pants. All my black pants are jeggings. In that entire store, and trust me, I went through every single folded pile and rack of black pants, there was only ONE size 2 in the women’s section. ONE. Ugh, no surprise really. I shop in the juniors department a lot. I don’t mind most of the time, but at 33, I should really be able to shop with the rest of the grown-ups. I don’t like low rise jeans, and though I can usually find something that works for me in the juniors, it takes ~a lot~ of trying on because nothing is consistent in junior’s sizing. The pants might be made for people of my general size, but not for a fully grown woman’s hip and butt. Usually, if I can find size 2 in the adult women’s department, it will fit. More dependable, yet so much harder to find. And for heavens sake, I am an adult! Sometimes I want adult fashions, especially for work. Yes, I know there are young-adult shops for the early 20s crowd. That’s why I ended up going to the mall. But in the average department store, I can shop in the tween/teen section or not at all, pretty much. I didn’t go in there with a mind to be picky. Honestly, I was desperate enough to take ANYthing that fit. There was plenty of “my size” in the junior’s department, but the fit was off as it so often is unless I can find high rise pants. I found one nice pair of pants in the juniors department that I loved. Only one like it. Turns out it’s not a brand they sell. It was an erroneous return and I couldn’t keep it 😦
I went home with the only pair of size 2 for grown-ups in the entire store. A tacky pair of straight leg pants with a hem slightly too short for me. As I picked them up off the shelf, I gazed at the pictures above of adult women who are probably a size 0 modeling the pants that seem to begin, for the most part at sizes 4 or 8 in the store. What in the world is up with that? I remember some time ago being in a store and asking if a particular item came in size 2 and they said yes, but they don’t stock size 2, so it’s order-only.
So many of my more voluptuous acquaintances lament that I am so lucky because shopping must be easy. Oh people. The grass is not greener anywhere else. Really, it isn’t.
Well, so, I suffered a trip to the mall. I found plenty of skinny jeans and jeggings. Most non skinny black pants are either excessively dressy or don’t exist. Why do all the bootcut and flare style pants only come in blue denim these days? But, believe it or not, I found the most perfect pair of black flare bottom pants. I love them so much, you have NO idea. And, they were the only pair left in the store. I could have bought at least twenty size 4s and a store full of size 13s, but there was only one size 2. 😦 They were on clearance and the cashier said they are probably discontinued. I went online and found them, also on clearance, though not as cheap as in-store. It said “only a few left!” when I clicked on my size. I added four to my online cart and paid for them. Now I’m hoping I don’t get the dreaded “we cancelled your order” email I get when online inventory isn’t up to date. I really really hope I get my order. Please, everyone, hope for me too! I don’t want to go to the mall again . (´;︵;`)